Yami no Yume
by miriya v
Summary: (REVISED!)Kenshin faces a tragic deja vu; and must face his own demons.
1. Yami no Yume

yami no yume--dream of darkness 

  
  
  
  
Hmm...there's a lot I want to say about this fic, but I'm going to save it for the end. (It's going to be an essay, isn't it? O.o;;)   
  
I really wanted to get in Kenshin's head, and screw with him. Like an acid trip, but darker. (hehe) This story actually came from the first 3 line/paragraphs of this ficcie, that I'd written a few months ago cos I liked the way it sounded; no fic or fandom in particular was in mind...I was just going off. ^^;; But anyway, things just started to fall into place, and slowly, it was born into an RK ficcie. Most of this stuff I'm making up as I go along, but there are a few elements that I wanted in there...more about those at the bottom. ^_^;;   
  
Oooh...I went to the mall yesterday, and there were Samurai X (I hate that name; rurouni kenshin is SO less cheesy!) action figures...I'm giving up smoking for as long as it takes to save me enough money to buy Kenshin. ^_^v And Matt promised me Saitoh for Christmas; YATTA! ^____________^ (Saitoh's figure is cool (even in the police uniform ^^;;); his standard pose is with his arms crossed, but you can yank off his arms and put on some other ones, that have a SWORD! YAY!) I'd gnaw off my own toes for the Okita figgie though...*sniffles* but I think it's only online...and prolly expensive. *sniffle* Okita-sama...I want to take your plastic-ness and put it into compromising positions with Kenshin and Saitoh and place you on my compy for inspiration!   
  
Oi...for now, I think the ANs are done. ^^;;   
  
Disclaimer. Not mine. Can I share? *pleading chibi eyes* Onegai? I'll be nice! Okay, okay, Watsuki-sensei made 'em up first, some folks bought 'em off of him, and I'm just here to play with them. ^_^;;   
  
Warnings: Um...near-death fic? *giggles* A lot of darkness concerning Kenshin's past, gratuitous ghosts abound, blood and hinted violence (be a stomper, Sano!)...This is one of my strangely non-shonen-ai ficcies, but hey. ^^;; I did say I'd write het if it was good and angsty enough...and this is pretty devoid of the waffiness that makes me hurl. So here it is. Angst on Kenshin's behalf. Surprise appearance (for you!) from /my/ favorite chara...*grin*   
  
  
  
Yami no Yume  
a rurouni kenshin fanfic by miriya valentine   
  
  
  
_I kneel and wait in silence  
As one by one the people slip away  
Into the night  
The quiet and empty bodies  
Kiss the ground before they pray  
Kiss the ground  
And slip away_  
--The holy hour, the Cure   
  
  
  
_The light is no more.   
  
Dawn falls to dusk, which gives way to the blackest night, and I am here alone within it. And you are dead, gone away with my heart, what have I done? It wasn't supposed to be this way....and /she/...   
  
She smiles and laughs, and whispers to me "I want to stay with you." But her skin is too pale, and it's not the water she lies in. I see the wound; I feel my own.   
  
I am dying, now. The cold has a way of creeping into your very core, I realize, as if death comes an inch at a time. Remember what you told me that innkeep said; everyone has a secret and no one wants to share. My secrets are death, selfishness binds them to my soul and sorrow is all I reap.   
  
And would it never end?   
  
All I wanted was for you to be happy. That's all that mattered...and when I couldn't do that, I stayed away from those things that you showed me, searching hrough myself, protecting the innocent as I'd been taught. I didn't kill, even in the most extreme of circumstances; just as I'd promised you.   
  
Perhaps...perhaps that was what I did wrong. But like some stubborn child, I clung to that promise with all my soul, no matter what the circumstances.   
  
I thought that I could protect her, too...   
  
But the past, it will not change. If I live...it will only happen again.   
  
Therefore...   
  
  
  
...My name...is Shinta..._   
  
--   
  
Megumi fought to hold back tears as she made the last stitch. Himura Kenshin's blood covered her hands and clothing, but she refused to give up hope. //Ken-san...you can't die...please...// Behind her, resting on another futon, Kaoru Kamiya lay in exhausted slumber, the gash in her side a mere scratch compared to what she had seen.   
  
In her mind, she replayed the events that had brought about this tragedy.   
  
_//The unknown assassin that appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, his eyes filled with an insanity that no doctor could help, nor any heart could heal. And the blows Ken-san had taken... his blood, bright against the dojo's side, red against the earthen browns of the ground.//   
  
//And then....Ken-san's sakobatou poised to strike...//   
  
//Kaoru's horrified look, then such firm resolve...//   
  
//Ken-san, his killing blow suddenly held back, even as the assassin's sword broke through her weak human's flesh, driving deep into Ken-san's body...//   
  
//Kaoru tried to protect him, even as he tried to protect her with his own life...//   
  
//Ken-san...you must live...//_   
  
She heard the faint scratch of _shoji_ sliding open. "Megumi?" Sanosuke's voice was soft, as was his touch as he rested a hand on her shoulder. She gazed at her two patients--_no, friends_--for a moment more before turning her face to look at him. "How's jo-chan?"   
  
She smiled faintly, a smile of relief. Sanosuke had to be worried, more than he'd admit; there were no half-joking 'fox-ladies' tonight... "She'll be all right, as long as she doesn't aggravate her wound."   
  
"And Kenshin?" The tall boy looked down at the battered, bruised man that was Himura Kenshin.   
  
Megumi sighed softly as she turned her attention back to Kenshin, pushing the red hair back from his forehead, feeling the heat of his fever against her palm. "I've done all I can, Sano," she murmured, "now...the rest is up to him."   
  
He nodded. "You should rest...it won't do anyone any good if you're too exhausted if something should come up."   
  
She was silent a moment more, before looking back up at him. "And how are you doing, Sano?" She asked in a low voice, standing up and brushing aside the remaining snippets of thread from her kimono. _//I know it had to have been hard for you...but he would have died, had you not done it.//_   
  
His eyes widened almost imperceptibly before he looked away. "...I'm fine, Megumi. Don't worry about me." He smiled with fake bravado that she could easily see through, but could appreciate anyway. She turned her attention to the dried assassin's blood on his shirt and pants, forcing herself to keep from recalling the terrible scene.   
  
The sakobatou had never been meant to spill blood...Megumi was glad that Sano had not used that weapon; she absently wondered where the dagger had come from. It had not been Sano's...   
  
_Where...?_   
  
Her vision swam and grew dim, unsteadily she swayed towards the ground, finding herself half-slumped against the young fighter's arms.   
  
"Megumi...you need to rest, now," he murmured in a voice that was tired, too tired for a person his age.   
  
She bowed her head obediently. "Hai...it would be best. But just one favor..."   
  
He raised an eyebrow. "What do you need?"   
  
"Move Kaoru near Kenshin...   
  
"...So that he might remember what he has to live for."   
  
Sanosuke nodded, and as she fell into exhausted sleep, she could swear she saw the shimmering figure of a young woman in a white kimono, kneeling above Kenshin's head, her pale hand stroking the scar on his left cheek.   
  
---   
  
Sanosuke let out a small sigh of relief as he pulled a blanket over Megumi's shoulders, then stood and headed back towards the center of the room, focused on Kaoru. He picked her up, careful not to wake her. "Just keep sleeping, jo-chan...and don't worry. He'll be just fine..."   
  
He turned, very slowly, and looked towards Kenshin. And he gasped.   
  
The ghost of a girl from long ago bent over Kenshin, as if trying to heal his terrible wounds. Sanosuke silently watched for he knew her story; she leaned down, she pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. Then she looked to him.   
  
Her dark eyes were full of tears.   
  
Silently, she picked up the dagger Sano had used to kill Kenshin's attacker, and placed it in the sleeve of her kimono. She turned to Kenshin one more time, and the tiniest flicker of a secret smile appeared on her lips.   
  
She disappeared as if she had never been there, but the smell of white plum remained, mingled with blood-scent.   
  
Sanosuke smiled as he knelt, placing Kaoru's sleeping form close to Kenshin's. "Oi, Kenshin," he muttered, "you're in better hands than I think you'll ever know. So don't you go dyin' on us now, you hear me?"   
  
No reply--not that he'd expected any. Sanosuke pulled the blanket over them both, than sat back, preparing himself for a long night of watching over his friends.   
  
---   
  
_So cold..._   
  
Kenshin opened his eyes to near-darkness. He didn't know where he was; all he could see was the single flickering flame of a nearly burned-out candle. He gazed, hypnotized, towards that single point of light, watching as its dim glow sputtered dangerously near extinction, despite the lack of breeze.   
  
As he tried to peer into the darkness beyond the candle's frail light, bits and pieces of memory came back to him. //Yes...I killed Kaoru-dono...I didn't mean to, but she was there and it was just like the last time and then...and then...there was nothing.//   
  
He saw everything as it happened. The shadowed assassin, _I didn't even recognize the style he fought with_, his fierce fight, _I've never felt so much pain in my life_, and his final, desperate attack, _I'd given up on my vow not to kill, there was no other way...._   
  
And Kaoru, black hair a banner as it whipped behind her--_she looked the same as she did when Saitoh came for me_--but there was blood, this time, staining her pale buttercup kimono with an angry crimson hue, there was warm, burning blood on his clothes and hands. _I killed her. With my own hands...just like the last time..._   
  
He didn't even remember seeing her fall. He didn't need to. _She always looked so alive...and I...I..._   
  
Aloud, he asked, his voice no more than a whisper to his own ears, "what is this place?"   
  
There was nothing, not even a stir of echoes; the darkness enveloped his voice like vaccuum. Kenshin took a deep breath, his violet eyes darting to each side, looking for something, anything...   
  
And then he heard it. _Drip. Drip._ Faint at first, but increasing in volume, slowly building to the faded sound of a waterfall. He felt it beneath his feet, he could smell it in the air. By the gods, he could _taste_ it. Blood. Still warm...   
  
He turned back to the candle, staring in horror as the blood rose higher and higher up the wax. _If I let it go out.._. hesitantly, he bent down and picked it up, ignoring the feeling of blood creeping up his leg, staining the white hakama he wore; he focused everything on the fragile flame he held between his hands.   
  
More sound. Nothing more than..._whispers..._   
  
Shapes began to make themselves known. Faded phantoms, the shadows themselves, each a hideous parody of what was once a human body, began to form, seeping blood from their hideous wounds. By candlelight, he saw the grotesque figures rise, one after the other, hovering near him yet always staying out of reach of the light. Hundreds, maybe close to a thousand stood by, some missing arms, some missing heads. But each spoke with the same voice.   
  
_Is this justice?_   
  
Kenshin gasped. Surrounded on all sides by the phantoms, he seemed trapped....   
  
He took a step forward.   
  
_Are you happy with the life you created from what you took of us?_   
  
Always, _always_ they stayed just out of the light's reach. But bravely, he took another step into the darkness, keeping the shadows mere inches from himself.   
  
_Was this worth it?_   
  
Step.   
  
_Would you forsake these sacrifices?_   
  
Stop.   
  
The rushing was louder now, and he could sense the blood as it swirled 'round his ankles. It ended here, or better put, it dropped down for perhaps 10 feet into a basin below. There the blood-tide was peaceful. From his viewpoint he could see, in detail, countless lanterns floating calmly on the pool of crimson. He stared transfixed at them. Each one brought a different memory.   
  
_The haughty samurai, drunk on his own cheap pleasures, his sword not nearly as quick as his mouth...   
  
A pair of guards near Kyoto's eastern gate (the moon was red, that night, he swore...)   
  
Nearly a whole unit of Shinsengumi wolves, their blue and white uniforms splattered carelessly with blood--   
  
Kyosato Akira..._   
  
The ghosts returned to shadow, but the memories didn't. He could recall each face, each attack in detail. He could remember each scar...but there was no pain to accompany them. He realized he was numb.   
  
Moments passed. Kenshin watched the lights of the lanterns until they burned his eyes, and then he turned back towards the darkness. The blood began to recede, but he didn't pay attention. He just kept walking forwards, holding that precious flame in his hands like a delicate jewel.   
  
"Where am I?" he whispered softly.   
  
"Now is not the time to be thinking of yourself, alone..." a calm, gentle voice echoed from the shadows, surrounding him in soft alto.   
  
Kenshin turned towards its source, yet he could only see the darkness beyond his frail light.   
  
"Did you not know beforehand, that all things must fade yet?"   
  
"All things...?" Kenshin murmured.   
  
"...The dew grieves for its early passing--and grieves for the flower that stays." Yet another figure, this one familiar, began to coalesce from the dark. Kenshin stared in surprise as his one-time enemy, clad in the Mibu Wolves' blue and white, stepped from the shadows to face him. He hadn't really changed from when Kenshin had seen him last; his face was still ageless and full of cheer...innocent. His smile was not the smile of a hardened killer, but more like a child's...   
  
"Okita-dono..." Despite himself, he felt afraid--afraid of this man, and afraid of this place. "...what is this place?" Okita looked at Kenshin, pointedly ignoring his question for the time being, focusing his attention on the flame in Kenshin's hand. He nodded absently, approvingly, and looked over Kenshin's form. As his eyes came to rest on the man's confused face, he finally answered.   
  
"This is your soul, Himura-san. And yet..."   
  
"And yet?"   
  
"This is the place between life and death, but more than that, really. _Kami-sama_, how do I _explain_ this?"   
  
Kenshin looked startled at that. _It made sense, but..._ "Why are you here, Okita-dono?"   
  
The other laughed softly, before giving Kenshin a half-sad smile. "Because, in this place...I am what you fear." He shook his head at Kenshin, as if to say _how could anyone find me frightening?_ "I suppose it's because you've made a peace of sorts with Saitoh-san. I don't know if I should be depressed or flattered, really."   
  
The red-haired man stood quietly in thought for a moment, before asking softly, "if you're here, that means you've..." _Saitoh never said anything about you, not that I ever asked..._   
  
"Many years ago. But that doesn't matter. Why are you here?"   
  
Kenshin paused, collecting his thoughts and turning them to words that he gave Okita, holding back his tears and sorrow until his heart was too full and he cried before the other man. He pushed on, ruthlessly, noting how each description of attack opened an invisible wound, and he bled from the mouth, and he bled from the vicious slash to the belly; blood mixed with his tears and he kept crying, kept telling his story.   
  
He bled from the soul. It soaked through his clothing and dropped to the floor--_his blood became rain and he cried until he felt he had nothing left, no blood, no tears..._   
  
Okita looked at him. He watched the blood fall. He watched the tears. And then he asked, _"I know what happened...but why are you /here/?"_ Kenshin fell silent. _"Your body was destroyed in a forest long ago. You should have died from the wounds Saitoh-san inflicted upon you in that dojo. Shishio would have killed you."   
  
"Why are you here?"_   
  
Kenshin didn't hear, but he understood. He imagined Okita's words were some great dark beast, attacking him with the weight of all his darkness and sins. It would drag him to hell...   
  
But he killed her. _Hell_...Isn't that what he deserved? She was dead, _dead..._   
  
"I can't go back." He whispered. More blood fell.   
  
Okita just watched, quietly, his hands folded in front of him, resting against his belly like a little buddha. He wore a buddha's smile. He was draped in a buddha's peace. Kenshin calmed, slowly, focusing on the man in front of him, no more than a peaceful ghost, who sat quietly through the rainstorm. Did he know such agony?   
  
A part of Kenshin knew he'd never wish such a thing upon another.   
  
"Why not, Himura-san? You say she died protecting you. Would you wish that sacrifice to go in vain?"   
  
Kenshin knew what the answer was. He understood. But he didn't want to accept. "It happened before...every time I get close to someone...they've been hurt, because of me, so many times...   
  
_The candle's fragile flame dimmed.   
  
Drip, drip..._   
  
The red-haired samurai didn't speak. The words bled from his soul, dropping to the floor and pooling into a story that both reflected on. _"The first memory I have bloodstained. Back then...I was Shinta. A weak child who knew nothing of swords...Shinta knew nothing of how to protect people. When we were attacked, they saved me...three girls who didn't know what it meant to die... I tried to defend them, but that sword was so heavy that I was useless. They took me, and tried to keep me safe...and they died for me.   
  
But she said 'spare him, spare this child...' and she said 'Shinta...you must live...'   
  
I thought Shinta died that night...but he only sleeps inside me. He slept...and Kenshin was born.   
  
I grew, I learned how to fight and how to defend. And I wanted to protect people. I left my master, and came to protect the people the best way I could. A strong child who'd mastered the sword, Battousai, was born; Kenshin slept within me. And I met /her/. I loved her. Tomoe, a woman who awoke Kenshin with nothing more than a smile. I wanted, I promised to protect her happiness... but those memories, too, are stained with blood. She, too, died protecting me. I killed her with my own hands, I cursed the pure snow with her blood.   
  
But she smiled, and she said 'it's all right, so please don't cry.'   
  
I swore to her cold flesh that I'd never kill again, as soon as the war was over. I swore it and meant it with all my heart.   
  
I tried to kill Battousai. I left everything I knew and left, trying to destroy that demon within me. But he only slept.   
  
And then, after so long, I met Kaoru. She was so much like myself before the sword I wielded for Japan had tasted blood. She was the piece of me that was missing. the person who didn't have to live in a haze of blood. I stayed with her as Kenshin, I called myself a strong man and I swore that I would protect her, too, with my life. I could atone for the mistakes of the past.   
  
And I loved her.   
  
With her, /for/ her, Battousai slept at last, for I was strong enough to protect the one I loved. I would stay with her to the end of time...   
  
I wasn't strong enough. She died, by my sword.   
  
I killed her and she died in silence._   
  
"Don't be so self-pitying." Kenshin had never heard Okita angry before, and even though the man's voice remained soft, the inflected hardness was near-terrifying. "You say that people were hurt because of you. That may be true...but what about those you helped? Do you so easily forget that? You're so focused on your own hurt, that you forget the hurt of others that /you/ eased. Where would your friends be without you? What about those lives that /you/ changed?"   
  
The barrage of questions rocked Kenshin to the core. He watched as Okita's eyes drew narrow, creating little crow's-feet at the corners; the shadows flickered across his face. The anger receded, replaced by strange sadness.   
  
"Everyone...everyone, Himura-san, has lost someone precious to them." His eyes grew distant, for only a moment, before returning to Kenshin. "Understand that. And though it is painful, life carries on. Each loss brings something, whether you realize it or not. But it's no reason to give up on everything."   
  
There was a moment of silence.   
  
_"Those who died for you...why did they do such a thing? They had just this lifetime with you...yet they gave it up. Why would a human being do such a thing?"_   
  
Kenshin recalled his life. He recalled the sacrifices that each had made for him, and reached for the meaning. Okita traced the emotions on the man's face, and placidly looked on, watching as the silent discussion surged and ebbed inside.   
  
_ One said 'live'.   
  
One said...'it's all right'...   
  
And one said 'all I want to do...is stay with you.' _   
  
//They died for me. They died for my survival.   
  
They gave up their lives so that I would continue...it is a selfish thing to just lie down and give up after such a gift has been given...isn't it? That is what I've been told. It hurts...more than any wounds that could ever scar my body...but if I were not to continue...//   
  
_One said 'Kenshin, if you don't come back, I'll never forgive you.'_   
  
//Long ago...I told someone that 'giving up your life is no way to atone for the taking of others' lives'. I really meant it.   
  
Maybe...maybe I was so caught up in lowering myself, that I ignored what good I have done in this lifetime. All I see is a killer...I thought that was all I could ever be. But those I've lived with...Tomoe...Megumi...Sano...Yahiko...Kaoru-dono...none of them minded. I've forgotten. When Okubo-sama came to ask my help, and so many other times...they tried to protect me. Tomoe understood what she was doing; she didn't hate me for what I was. Kaoru-dono knew what she was doing, and still she...   
  
I've been a selfish man...but I won't let her down.   
  
She didn't need to speak...I understand her heart. And I love it. I love her.   
  
Even though she's gone.//   
  
"Do you understand?"   
  
_The flame flickered to a new life_--its intensity brought warmth, carrying away the numbness plaguing Kenshin.   
  
Okita smiled his buddha's smile. "Do you know what it is you're holding?"   
  
Kenshin stared at the candle, confused.   
  
"It's your life, Himura-san. Now that you do understand..."   
  
The shadows disappeared as a wave of blinding light swept around them. Candles, as numerous as the stars--each almost identical to the one he held in his hands--filled the space as far as he could see. His breath caught in his throat as he tried to take it all in; he was simply overwhelmed.   
  
Kenshin's eyes finally focused, and he looked to Okita, who was not wearing the blue and white uniform of the Shinsengumi, but rather a simple white hakama and haori. He still wore that smile.   
  
A near-circle of candles surrounded the ground where Kenshin and Okita stood. Each seemed familar. He knelt in the ring, he felt their presences. And he understood--each flame was a friend; he could pick out each person he held dear to him.   
  
One in particular caught his attention. Though its flame was not as large as the others, it still burned with the brightest intensity...he could feel it.   
  
He felt her.   
  
"Ka-Kaoru...?" He whispered softly, staring wonderingly at the brilliant fire.   
  
"Yes, Himura-san." Okita shook his head slowly. "She is not dead...your mind deceived you."   
  
Kenshin looked up at Okita. "You knew it all along...didn't you?"   
  
"Of course. But there were still things you needed to learn before you returned."   
  
Kenshin smiled softly as a new hope flared brightly in his heart. He felt nothing but warmth. And love.   
  
So much love...   
  
He placed his own candle next to hers, completing the circle. There was a moment of peaceful silence, and Kenshin finally felt at peace. Not the peace he had believed was his own for so long, but true peace, the likes of which he'd never imagined. He gazed from the flame to Okita, and held the other man's eyes for a moment, before asking a question.   
  
"Okita-dono...why are /you/ here?"   
  
The young man's smile became that of a child's, filled with subtle mystery. He tilted his head, and sighed gently.   
  
"I'm...waiting for someone."   
  
Kenshin nodded.   
  
And then he was gone.   
  
Okita knelt beside a single candle, set alone, yet close to the one Kenshin had just placed. He watched it for a moment, contemplating, before looking up. "You didn't tell him goodbye."   
  
It was a simple phrase, but it brought a gentle smile to the lips of the young girl who had watched quietly, invisibly, almost the entire time. "I said it a long time ago, Souji. And he knows."   
  
The little man grinned sheepishly. "Hai, hai, Tomoe-san, I know he does. I _know_ he does."   
  
"He'll survive."   
  
"Of course. That's Himura-san we're talking about. He's going to die anytime soon."   
  
"Hai."   
  
---   
  
Kenshin opened his eyes slowly; the darkness was a mercy. For a moment, he thought he was back in that place...   
  
But warmth beside him, the gentle pressure of a hand pressed against his served to prove otherwise. He turned his head to the side slowly; his entire body was one great mass of pain, but he'd never felt so alive before in his life.   
  
She was sleeping next to him, her chest rising and falling with each breath she took.   
  
He smiled; beyond her body he could see the faint profiles of Sanosuke, snoring softly, Megumi's head resting against his shoulder.   
  
Kenshin looked back up at the dojo's roof and closed his eyes again.   
  
//I wasn't ready to leave this...//   
  
He dreamt of the future.   
  
---fin---   
  
More notes: Gah....done. Finally. I don't know if I'd go through all the stuff I snuck in this ficcie...maybe I'll make it a seperate 'chapter'? I put a lot into this...and well...I don't know. ^^;;;; Yeah, I think I'll just do that. *SLEEP DEPRIVED* @_@   
  
Oooh, please tell me how this came out... Onegai? I want to know how the overall outcome was to other people's eyes. I hope everyone enjoyed it... 


	2. YnY notes

Well, I just decided to make another part, where I could explain all the nifty little things I tried to put in here....  
  
I don't know where the inspiration for this fic came from....it just kinda happened. O.o;; So...I guess I'll just be honest and talk about everything- -I won't leave anything out. ^^;;  
  
Yami no Yume  
  
(literally: dream of darkness. I know the outcome wasn't that dark, but the overall tone, and the focus of the fic, would be the acid trip thing Kenshin goes through. ^^;; Yami no yume sounds a lot like Yami no Matsuei, ne? That's not really my intention...but I really /do/ like that show. ^________^)  
  
  
  
I kneel and wait in silence  
  
As one by one the people slip away  
  
Into the night  
  
The quiet and empty bodies  
  
Kiss the ground before they pray  
  
Kiss the ground  
  
And slip away  
  
--The holy hour, the Cure  
  
(I was just sifting through lyrics...I have about 4 mb of them on my hard drive. ^^;; Expect a lot of Cure-inspired songfics from me for Kenshin in the future...)  
  
Dawn falls to dusk, which gives way to the blackest night, and I am here alone within it. And you are dead, gone away with my heart, what have I done? It wasn't supposed to be this way....and /she/...  
  
I am dying, now. The cold has a way of creeping into your very core, I realize, as if death comes an inch at a time. Remember what you told me that innkeep said; everyone has a secret and no one wants to share. My secrets are death, selfishness binds them to my soul and sorrow is all I reap.  
  
(This is Kenshin, right after he gets stomped by the Mystery Assassin. He's thinking about Tomoe and Kaoru...since Kaoru just pulled a Tomoe in the fic. He really thinks she jumped in front of him to save his life...poor kid)  
  
All I wanted was for you to be happy. That's all that mattered...and when I couldn't do that, I stayed away from those things that you showed me, searching hrough myself,  
  
protecting the innocent as I'd been taught. I didn't kill, even in the most extreme of circumstances; just as I'd promised you.  
  
Perhaps...perhaps that was what I did wrong. But like some stubborn child, I clung to that promise with all my soul, no matter what the circumstances.  
  
I thought that I could protect her, too...  
  
But the past, it will not change. If I live...it will only happen again.  
  
(He's 'talking' to Tomoe here...my fault, cos I don't really like Kaoru. *hides* Well...she's okay...but I just don't like the fact that Kenshin is her bitch. He does /everything/ for her! _ But I'll save my love of Tomoe for another discussion. It's funny; I usually don't even write RK het--it's one of the things I liked about it. You could pretty much pick any pairing and find subtle hints [to a hardcore shonen-ai/yaoi fan like myself] to make them work. ^^;;;;)  
  
Therefore...  
  
  
  
...My name...is Shinta...  
  
(I wonder if I shouldn't have cut that out. ^^;; It's supposed to be Kenshin reverting into himself. Had I really been thinking, I would have included something about Shinta in the dream-thing/acidtrip. I dunno...maybe a later version I'll get smart and pull it out)  
  
  
  
Megumi fought to hold back tears as she made the last stitch. Himura Kenshin's blood covered her hands and clothing, but she refused to give up hope. //Ken-san...you can't die...please...// Behind her, resting on another futon, Kaoru Kamiya lay in exhausted slumber, the gash in her side a mere scratch compared to what she had seen.  
  
(There we are. Megumi saw the whole thing. I didn't want to write out the scene, though; I figured it would work this way. Besides...I never completely thought it through anyway)  
  
//The unknown assassin that appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, his eyes filled with an insanity that no doctor could help, nor any heart could heal. And the blows Ken-san had taken... his blood, bright against the dojo's side, red against the earthen browns of the ground.//  
  
//And then....Ken-san's sakobatou poised to strike...//  
  
//Kaoru's horrified look, then such firm resolve...//  
  
//Ken-san, his killing blow suddenly held back, even as the assassin's sword broke through her and her weak human's flesh, driving deep into Ken- san's body...//  
  
//Kaoru tried to protect him, even as he tried to protect her with his own life...//  
  
//Ken-san...you must live...//  
  
(I wrote a basic description of the scene, but I put it here as viewed through Megumi's eyes. I hope that works...)  
  
She was silent a moment more, before looking back up at him. "And how are you doing, Sano?" She asked in a low voice, standing up and brushing aside the remaining snippets of thread from her kimono. //I know it had to have been hard for you...but he would have died, had you not done it.//  
  
(Right. ^^;; I had to think of a way to get rid of the evil Mysterious Assassin; I figured that Sano could do it. ^_^;; He would angst out about killing foks, but he was really the only one I could see doing the deed.)  
  
The sakobatou had never been meant to spill blood...Megumi was glad that Sano had not used that weapon; she absently wondered where the dagger had come from. It had not been Sano's...  
  
(Three guesses on who the dagger belongs to. Yup, how did you guess? Tomoe makes a lot of little appearances in this fic...)  
  
"Move Kaoru near Kenshin...  
  
"...So that he might remember what he has to live for."  
  
(I think it's Megumi-like. ^_^ She would say that, even if she /does/ harbor feelings for...'dear Ken-san'.)  
  
Sanosuke nodded, and as she fell into exhausted sleep, she could swear she saw the shimmering figure of a young woman in a white kimono, kneeling above Kenshin's head, her pale hand stroking the scar on his left cheek.  
  
(There. Megumi sees Tomoe.)  
  
  
  
The ghost of a girl from long ago bent over Kenshin, as if trying to heal his terrible wounds. Sanosuke silently watched, for he knew her story; she leaned down, pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. Then she looked to him.  
  
(and Sano sees Tomoe! I couldn't remember if Sano was there when Kenshin told his story in the beginning of the Revenge arc; I had to go back through all those translations and find it. ^^;; But he did hear. *sigh* She's kakkoi!)  
  
Her dark eyes were full of tears.  
  
Silently, she picked up the dagger Sano had used to save Kenshin, and placed it in the sleeve of her kimono. She turned to Kenshin one more time, and the tiniest flicker of a secret smile appeared on her lips.  
  
(Hint that Tomoe left the dagger. ^^;;;)  
  
  
  
Kenshin opened his eyes to near-darkness. He didn't know where he was; all he could see was the single flickering flame of a nearly burned-out candle. He gazed, hypnotized, towards that single point of light, watching as its dim glow sputtered dangerously near extinction, despite the lack of breeze.  
  
(I don't know where the idea of a candle came from. I mean, candles are a popular way to visualize life and such, but I don't know where the idea to put them in /this/ fic came from. I don't think I'd been sleeping well...)  
  
As he tried to peer into the darkness beyond the candle's frail light, bits and pieces of memory came back to him. //Yes...I killed Kaoru-dono...I didn't mean to, but she was there and it was just like the last time and then...and then...there was nothing.//  
  
He saw everything as it happened. The shadowed assassin, I didn't even recognize the style he fought with, his fierce fight, I've never felt so much pain in my life, and his final, desperate attack, I'd given up on my vow not to kill, there was no other way....  
  
And Kaoru, black hair a banner as it whipped behind her--she looked the same as she did when Saitoh came for me--but there was blood, this time, staining her pale buttercup kimono with an angry crimson hue, there was warm, burning blood on his clothes and hands. I killed her. With my own hands...just like the last time...  
  
He didn't even remember seeing her fall. He didn't need to. She always looked so alive...and I...I...  
  
(Hints here that he blacked out from wounds etc. before he had time to gather what really happened. I read through the revenge arc, and realized that Kenshin would completely flip if he thought he'd killed her, and with loss of blood, etc...)  
  
And then he heard it. Drip. Drip. Faint at first, but increasing in volume, slowly building to the faded sound of a waterfall. He felt it beneath his feet, he could smell it in the air. By the gods, he could taste it. Blood. Still warm...  
  
(This could also be known as the 'lets see how many times Miri can use 'blood' in one fic'...)  
  
He turned back to the candle, staring in horror as the blood rose higher and higher up the wax. If I let it go out... hesitantly, he bent down and picked it up, ignoring the feeling of blood creeping up his leg, staining the white hakama he wore; he focused everything on the fragile flame he held between his hands.  
  
(And here we have hints of him wishing to survive, even if he doesn't know it yet. I hope everyone understood this concept...)  
  
  
  
Shapes began to make themselves known. Faded phantoms, the shadows themselves, each a hideous parody of what was once a human body, began to form, seeping blood from their hideous wounds. By candlelight, he saw the grotesque figures rise, one after the other, hovering near him yet always staying out of reach of the light. Hundreds, maybe close to a thousand stood by, some missing arms, some missing heads. But each spoke with the same voice.  
  
(Supposed to be the ghosts of the people he's killed. Scary as hell, if you ask me...)  
  
Is this justice?  
  
(They're talking to him. O.o;;)  
  
  
  
Always, always they stayed just out of the light's reach. But bravely, he took another step into the darkness, keeping the shadows mere inches from himself.  
  
(I think that it was supposed to give the effect of the ghosts trying to drag him down, maybe to take revenge of sorts for him wasting their lives. ^^;; But his life is holding them back? Maybe I'm being too confusing...*SIGH*)  
  
  
  
The rushing was louder now, and he could sense the blood as it swirled 'round his ankles. It ended here, or better put, it dropped down for perhaps 10 feet, into a basin below. There the blood-tide was peaceful. From his viewpoint he could see, in detail, countless lanterns floating calmly on the pool of crimson. He stared transfixed at them. Each one brought a different memory.  
  
The haughty samurai, drunk on his own cheap pleasures, his sword not nearly as quick as his mouth...  
  
A pair of guards near Kyoto's eastern gate (the moon was red, that night, he swore...)  
  
Nearly a whole unit of Shinsengumi wolves, their blue and white uniforms splattered carelessly with blood--  
  
Kyosato Akira...  
  
(Pretty basic. He's remembering the people he killed...I was thinking about adding a bit about Tomoe in here, but that would send sir ficlet spinning off in all sorts of places I didn't want to go here. Kyosato was enough, ne? I also wanted to add writing to the lanterns, but thought that might make it too cheesy. ~.~)  
  
  
  
"Now is not the time to be thinking of yourself, as one all alone..." a calm, gentle voice echoed from the shadows, surrounding him in soft alto.  
  
Kenshin turned towards its source, yet he could only see the darkness beyond his frail light.  
  
"Did you not know beforehand, that all things must fade yet?" That soothing voice came yet closer...  
  
"All things...?" Kenshin murmured.  
  
"...The dew grieves for its early passing--and grieves for the flower that stays." Yet another figure, this one familiar, began to coalesce from the dark. Kenshin stared in surprise as his one-time enemy, clad in the Mibu Wolves' blue and white, stepped from the shadows to face him. He hadn't really changed from when Kenshin had seen him last; his face was still ageless and full of cheer...innocent. His smile was not the smile of a hardened killer, but more like a child's...  
  
(WAI! OKITA-SAMA! Yes, he is my favorite RK person...and RL person, too. *grin* Oh, and he's speaking in prose; it's a piece of a long-ass poem in my ancient Japanese lit book, written by 3 different people--Sougi, Shouhaku, and Souchou. Linked verse, it's called. Um...it's from the Muromachi era, too. ^^;; Why did Okita talk like that? I just thought it would be fun...and he seemed the kind of guy that would do something like that. I always have fun writing Okita...^^;;;;)  
  
  
  
"This is your soul, Himura-san. And yet..."  
  
"And yet?"  
  
"This is the place between life and death, but more than that, really. Kami-sama, how do I explain this?"  
  
(Bah...I don't even know how to explain it. Kenshin is trapped in his own mind, but also at the crossroads between life and death. I'm sure the japanese language could explain it better, but I'm only a silly american. @_@)  
  
  
  
The other laughed softly, before giving Kenshin a half-sad smile. "Because, in this place...I am what you fear." He shook his head at Kenshin, as if to say how could anyone find me frightening? "I suppose it's because you've made a peace of sorts with Saitoh-san. I don't know if I should be depressed or flattered, really."  
  
(I just want to say, I think Okita is cute AND frightening. *giggles* But I wanted to use him for a spiritual guide of sorts, and I would have, even if I /didn't/ have such a fascination over him. A--he's dead, so that makes sense for him to be here. B--he was the most fearsome member of the shinsengumi [people could debate with me on that, it's split evenly between Saitoh and Okita, but I think they both kick ass] and C--he came closer to anyone [well, save for Saitoh, but that came much later, and Okita was already dead...] to stomping Kenshin. And he is right; I figure that since Kensin got to know Saitoh better, he wouldn't be so worried about him.  
  
And Okita's a laid-back kind of guy. I wanted him to say something kind of cute, but not push it too far.)  
  
  
  
Kenshin paused, collecting his thoughts and turning them to words that he gave Okita, holding back his tears and sorrow until his heart was too full and he cried before the other man. He pushed on, ruthlessly, noting how each description of attack opened an invisible wound, and he bled from the mouth, and he bled from the vicious slash to the belly; blood mixed with his tears and he kept crying, kept telling his story.  
  
(Maybe I should have written out the entire fight from Kenshin's perspective? But I didn't. So...oh, well. ~.~)  
  
He bled from the soul. It soaked through his clothing and dropped to the floor--his blood became rain and he cried until he felt he had nothing left, no blood, no tears...  
  
(What's happening here is pretty obvious. I wanted to add a little touch of 'bloody rain' per se to the whole thing, but yeah...the blood is representing his fading will to live.)  
  
Okita looked at him. He watched the blood fall. He watched the tears. And then he asked, "I know what happened...but why are you /here/?" Kenshin fell silent. "Your body was destroyed in a forest long ago. You should have died from the wounds Saitoh-san inflicted upon you in that dojo. Shishio would have killed you."  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
(God, I love Okita. ^_^)  
  
  
  
"I can't go back." He whispered. More blood fell.  
  
(As he's remembering things, and thinking hard about them, his will to live is getting smaller and smaller. Look, ma, more blood.)  
  
  
  
The candle's fragile flame dimmed.  
  
Drip, drip...  
  
(There was more thinking up there that I didn't explain; but um...yeah, Okita's gonna get frustrated real soon cos Kenshin's life is dwindling even more...)  
  
"Don't be so self-pitying." Kenshin had never heard Okita angry before, and even though the man's voice remained soft, the inflected hardness was near-terrifying. "You say that people were hurt because of you. That may be true...but what about those you helped? Do you so easily forget that? You're so focused on your own hurt, that you forget the hurt of others that /you/ eased. Where would your friends be without you? What about those lives that /you/ changed?"  
  
The barrage of questions rocked Kenshin to the core. He watched as Okita's eyes drew narrow, creating little crow's-feet at the corners; the shadows flickered across his face. The anger receded, replaced by strange sadness.  
  
(I hope that Okita's little speech doesn't sound too corny. I'm trying to keep it at a decent vibe, but I dunno. I'm not exactly the one to be writing 'regain your will to live' speeches...)  
  
"Everyone...everyone, Himura-san, has lost someone precious to them." His eyes grew distant, for only a moment, before returning to Kenshin. "Understand that. And though it is painful, life carries on. Each loss brings something, whether you realize it or not. But it's no reason to give up on everything."  
  
(Mou...this little tiny paragraphlet--Okita's sadness and all--this is a reference to some of my own theories. What he's thinking about here, but I felt had no place in this fic, is Keisuke Yamanami, one of Okita's closest friends [I like to think they were...hooked up?] that he had to finish off when Yamanami was ordered to commit seppuku. I'm actually about through with another fic I wrote especially for them. Lots of real-life historical research involved....@_@ And also, it provides Okita a reason to be talking. He too killed someone he loved dearly, but in a way, perhaps his was more painful because he /knew/ what he was doing.)  
  
//Maybe...maybe I was so caught up in lowering myself, that I ignored what good I have done in this lifetime. All I see is a killer...I thought that was all I could ever be. But those I've lived with...Tomoe...Megumi...Sano...Yahiko...Kaoru-dono...none of them minded. I've forgotten. When Okubo-sama came to ask my help, and so many other times...they tried to protect me. Tomoe understood what she was doing; she didn't hate me for what I was. Kaoru-dono knew what she was doing, and still she...  
  
I won't let her down.//  
  
(There we are. The magical 'I do have something to live for' part. Now that it's out of the way....*sniffles* I was having more fun writing heinous angst, too.)  
  
  
  
The flame flickered to a new life--its intensity brought warmth, carrying away the numbness plaguing Kenshin.  
  
(Yay! Kenshin has regained his will to live!)  
  
  
  
  
  
The shadows disappeared as a wave of blinding light swept around them. Candles, as numerous as the stars--each almost identical to the one he held in his hands--filled the space as far as he could see. His breath caught in his throat as he tried to take it all in; he was simply overwhelmed.  
  
(This is a crude representation of the lives of the world. Lots of them. I don't know, this scene just happened, too.)  
  
  
  
Kenshin's eyes finally focused, and he looked to Okita, who was not wearing the blue and white uniform of the Shinsengumi, but rather a simple white hakama and haori. He still wore that smile.  
  
(Makes sense, ne? Now that his fear is conquered, Okita isn't so scary. The white outfit is just my representation of the christian-ish thing where all angels/spirits/whatever are generally dressed in white...at least the peaceful ones, anyway...)  
  
A near-circle of candles surrounded the ground where Kenshin and Okita stood. Each seemed familar. He knelt in the ring, he felt their presences. And he understood--each flame was a friend; he could pick out each person he held dear to him.  
  
(Didn't want to give it a specific number; I mean, there are a lot of people...@_@)  
  
One in particular caught his attention. Though its flame was not as large as the others, it still burned with the brightest intensity...he could feel it.  
  
He felt her.  
  
"Ka-Kaoru...?" He whispered softly, staring wonderingly at the brilliant fire.  
  
"Yes, Himura-san." Okita shook his head slowly. "She is not dead...your mind deceived you."  
  
Kenshin looked up at Okita. "You knew it all along...didn't you?"  
  
(Smart boy. Naughty Okita! ^_^;;; Of course, this information was withheld because if he knew she was alive from the start, he'd have been much eager to go back.)  
  
  
  
He placed his own candle next to hers, completing the circle. There was a moment of peaceful silence, and Kenshin finally felt at peace. Not the peace he had believed was his own for so long, but true peace, the likes of which he'd never imagined. He gazed from the flame to Okita, and held the other man's eyes for a moment, before asking a question.  
  
(More symbolism. Circles, shmirkles, why don't I write stories when I'm awake?)  
  
  
  
"Okita-dono...why are /you/ here?"  
  
The young man's smile became that of a child's, filled with subtle mystery. He tilted his head, and sighed gently.  
  
"I'm...waiting for someone."  
  
(Yup. I have Saitoh in mind; even if he /is/ with Yamanami or whatever, Saitoh's still a dear friend to him...)  
  
  
  
Okita knelt beside a single candle, set alone, yet close to the one Kenshin had just placed. He watched it for a moment, contemplating, before looking up. "You didn't tell him goodbye."  
  
It was a simple phrase, but it brought a gentle smile to the lips of the young girl who had watched quietly, invisibly, almost the entire time. "I said it a long time ago, Souji. And he knows."  
  
The man grinned sheepishly. "Hai, hai, Tomoe-san, I know he does. I know he does."  
  
(I originally planned for Tomoe to make an appearance in the dreamscape. But then I thought about it, and realized that her presence would only angst kenshin out more [especially since he's already angsting over Kaoru]...I say she was there /almost/ the entire time cos, well, she was off in the real world retrieving her silverware and making ghostly appearances in the Dojo for part of it. But she was definitely support.)  
  
  
  
  
  
But warmth beside him, the gentle pressure of a hand pressed against his served to prove otherwise. He turned his head to the side slowly; his entire body was one great mass of pain, but he'd never felt so alive before in his life.  
  
She was sleeping next to him, her chest rising and falling with each breath she took.  
  
(I can't believe I voluntarily wrote a part with Kaoru and Kenshin together....~.~)  
  
He smiled; beyond her body he could see the faint profiles of Sanosuke, snoring softly, Megumi's head resting against his shoulder.  
  
(Good thing Kenshin didn't try to die on them while Sano was on watch. ehehe... e.e )  
  
Kenshin looked back up at the dojo's roof and closed his eyes again.  
  
//I wasn't ready to leave this...//  
  
He dreamt of the future.  
  
(I think this ending could have been done much better; that last thought of his seems a bit...trite, once it hits the notepad. But I dunno...I didn't want to put too much effort into it...gah. I'm so lazy, and now whoever has read this knows it!)  
  
  
  
*STILL SLEEP DEPRIVED*  
  
Ah, well. ^_^;; Hope you enjoyed... 


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